Today is such an exciting day for me here at “From Gay to Z.” I’m lucky enough to be one of the stops on the twelve day event celebrating the birthday of Poppy Dennison (cue the fanfare and confetti), who is perhaps one of the sweetest women I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. I met Poppy, who is also so beautiful and fabulous that she can only be described as beautimous, in October at GRL, and I have to tell you I was hooked.
That’s why when I was asked to participate in this event, I jumped at the chance.
What can I do? I asked.
Create a top 12 list designed to make people laugh? WHOOHOO!
Conduct a short interview with Poppy? YAY!
Announce that Poppy will be giving away one of her books to a lucky commenter on my blog? Icing on the cake!
So, without further ado, let’s get this party started with my top 12 list.
THE TOP 12 WORST GIFTS TO GIVE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Now, I know what many of you are thinking: WHAT? Who doesn’t love cold, hard cash? I know I do, especially when I find it in someone else’s wallet while they’re not looking, but to have someone I love give me cash as a present? I mean, really? Why not just tell me that you didn’t want to invest any time or effort on buying me something heartfelt?
Still, with that money, which is hopefully substantial enough to go a long way, I can buy myself something nice, which is why it’s at the #12 spot. Money is just too impersonal, and for me, it’s the thought that counts.
#11: A tie or a scarf
Unless someone specifically asks for one of these items, they should not be given as gifts. These gifts are more of an after thought than anything else. They tell the person receiving the gift, I couldn’t think of anything to get you, but when I saw this ugly ass tie/scarf, I thought instantly of you. Gee, thanks!
The only caveat to this is if the tie or scarf is intended for some trussing up in the bedroom later. Then, the gift zooms completely off this list and onto the BEST GIFT EVER list. But since I’m not writing that list, we shall hear no more of it!
Once again, unless asked for, giving luggage to your partner is a bad idea. All this gift really tells someone is that you are tired of his/her lazy ass and want her/him to move out. If that’s the message you want to send, then great. If not, move on to something else, or you might be the one using the luggage by the time the day’s over.
The only time this would be acceptable is if said luggage is Louis Vutton. Then, bring it on!
#9: A Fiber Optic Holiday Sweater
While holiday sweaters may be festive and fun, nothing tells your spouse how much you despise him/her, then by purchasing a holiday sweater that lights up like a prop from a National Lampoon’s movie.
#8: Made Up Coupons for Free Kisses, Hugs, and Other Assorted Shit
While this gift may at first glance seem sweet and thoughtful, it’s actually the opposite. What? Do I need a coupon now for some loving or for you to take out the damn trash?! These are things we should be doing in loving relationships anyway. To have to exchange these acts for a coupon is just your partner being L-A-Z-Y!
Here’s a coupon for you: One Empty Side of the Bed with purchase.
#7: Hair Removal Kit
While body grooming is en vogue, this gift is just a bad idea. What you are telling your loved one is that you’re tired of traveling through the dense bush of their pubic jungle to get to the treasure hidden miles underneath. If you buy this gift, make sure it’s a machete because you’ll need it for protection afterward.
#6: Pubic Hair Dye
Keeping with the “hair down there” theme, this gift is just plain awful. You’re basically telling your husband or wife that not only are they getting older, but their grey hair on their head has traveled below their equator. That will definitely get you banned from traveling down under for quite some time.
#5: A Gym Membership
While working out together is fun and a good way of keeping you both motivated, gifting a gym membership is basically your way of saying, “You’re fat, and we need to do something about that.” Buy one of these for your loved one, and your fat ass may be sitting at a table for one.
#4: Clothes that are Too Big or Too Small
Purchasing clothes for your significant other can be tricky. You must know the exact size and dimension of each other’s waists, chest, butts, and thighs or you are going to be in big trouble. Get something too big, and your accusing your partner of being fat. Get something too small, and you’re telling your partner either one or two things: I don’t know you well enough to know your size or I wish you were that small. Either way, you’re in trouble and you should probably start running.
#3: Adopt a Camel in the Serengeti or some other far away place
Look, I’m all about wildlife conservation, and if this is something your partner is into, then by all means go in to rescue a camel or dolphin together. Just don’t give that as a Christmas gift. I mean, if you’re gonna get me a camel, well then I darn well expect to ride that sucker a few times before calling a circus or zoo to take it off my hands.
Really? Enough said. See you at divorce court.
#1: Venereal Disease
This may be one gift that keeps on giving, but no one expects this as a present. You won’t be divorced after this one like if you gifted a fruitcake. That would simply be too kind. You’ll likely be dead. Just saying. So beware!
I hope you enjoyed my Top 12 Worst Gifts. They were designed to be funny but to also serve as a friendly warning to those people who might not be savvy gift givers. I’m sure our lovely Poppy will be receiving no gifts off this list. She’s just too great and will likely be appreciated as she should be.
Speaking of Poppy, it’s time to get to our interview. So, here we go:
JZF: What drew you to write m/m fiction? Was it just the hot man on man action or…. I’m sorry, my mind blanked there thinking about hot man on man action. So, um, yeah, what brought you to write gay romance? I hope it was the hot man on man action.
POPPY: Um, excuse me. I’m now imagining some hot man-on-man action. Did you really think I’d be able to answer this question without copious amounts of drool? Now just give me a minute to mop up and…
Okay, so I started writing m/m through fanfiction. I stumbled across one for my favorite soap of days gone by (Hello, General Hospital!) and became addicted. After a while, thoughts started forming in my head of my own characters. I’d wanted to write for years, but had never found the motivation. A friend and I were having a rather heated discussion about the women in paranormal romance, and he said that he wished someone would write a gay paranormal romance where one of the main characters had a child. The plot bunny was born and a year later, Mind Magic was published. J
JZF: You write paranormal stories featuring “burly bears” and “silver foxes.” If you had to choose between the two, which would you choose and why? And, no you can’t answer with a burly polar bear. You have to choose one because I’m trying to get you a birthday present here, so I kinda need to know which one you get and which one I can keep.
POPPY: Dang it, I have to pick ONE? That’s no fair, Jacob! I thought you liked me!! Can’t I have one of each??? Pretty please with sugar on top and a picture of…um…a burly bear and a silver fox together? *eyebrow wiggle*
If I have to chose, I’d probably pick…*bites nails*…a burly bear. Oh wait…hmm…argh! This is too difficult. I can’t pick, Jacob. I just can’t! Don’t make me!
JZF: Let’s say you’re actually given a burly bear or silver fox for your birthday, what are your plans for the evening? Don’t worry, it’ll be just between you and me. I won’t tell anyone who doesn’t happen to read my blog. 🙂
POPPY: Jacob, sweetheart…do you really need to know what my plans for the evening are? Because I’ve read your book and I know you have an awfully great imagination. I mean, if you imagine me riding some burly bear like a pony, you wouldn’t be far from reality. And if you think I’d kick a silver fox out of bed unless he wanted to do it on the floor, well…yeah. Let’s just leave it at that.
Thanks for coming to my birthday blog party! I loved you from the first moment we “met” doing Boxer Falls and meeting you in person was definitely icing on the cake. Or is that cake vodka?
And just in case anyone reading is wondering, feel free to get me a scarf for my birthday. I love them. But if you get me down under hair anything, you’re doomed.
I want to thank Poppy for gracing my blog with her fabulousness! And don’t forget, dear reader, leave a comment about this interview or the Top 12 Worst Gifts and you’re entered in a chance to win FREE COPY of one of Poppy’s books. HOW FUN!!!